I can’t begin to tell you how much I vehemently dislike Steel Panther.
I have only had the misfortune to see them live once. Me and my brother had gone to Wembley to watch ZZ Top play the same set they always play (and I have seen them do it every year since it seems to me, and it’s always ace) and Satchel and his idiot mates had somehow blagged an opening spot.
Before one of their awful songs – who cares which one? – the singer (who’s name I haven’t even been arsed to look up to be honest with you) says “this one is going to make your lady wet”. And I swear to you, I heard the old boy sitting next to me, turn to his wife (mid 70s easy) and say: “Crikey, I’ll buy the album on the way out….”
The point to all this – I promise there is one – is that I am not a “fun loving” type of bloke. I am the sort of chap that if someone sends me a “funny” video on WhatsApp I will probably mute you (ask my mates, I REALLY do). And I absolutely don’t like “comedy” rock n roll.
Usually.
I am not going to lie. I desperately wanted to hate Bootyard Bandits. The back story, that they had burst out of rural Worcester to take on the world with their Southern Rock with names like CJ Handsome, Two Puds and Bamm Bamm didn’t do much for me, neither did the cowboy disguises (at least one of them is in the brilliant UK metal band Fury, by the way, I’ve met him a few times. And yes I am aware that the others were all from various other metal bands, like Defiled).
The problem is, I can’t dislike it, no matter how hard I try.
See, its not like they are taking this remotely seriously, so neither should I. The opener “Shirt Potatoes” (bet you can’t guess what this is about?) How, in all consciousness, can you say anything about a record that literally goes “I’d sell my tractor and my gun, for one more night with her lady buns”. What can you add to that? Nothing.
The other problem is that the damn songs sound like Black Stone Cherry, and you can’t fail to like that either. “Hoedown Showdown” (basically about having a scrap at a barn dance) even gets linguistic bonus points for rhyming “doozie of a soiree” with “price to pay”.
It’s not that I am a prude, I just don’t like comedy much anymore, but when I was a kid I used to love Bottom with Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson. They would, I reckon, appreciate “Country Music” – which lets be honest about this, doesn’t do double entendre. It just smashes you over the head with its point – and by the way, the music reminded me of “Cotton Eye Joe”.
“One Hell Of A Night” – and by now you’ve either switched off bought into it totally, or like me, been swept along despite yourself – gets pissed with its fists in the air. If Alestorm were cowboys and not pirates, they’d do this track, no bother.
The last one, “Ladies Man” “borrows” lets say, from “Blame It On The Boom Boom” manages to include the phrase “I am a sexual superman” and I am not sure where to put this so I am leaving it here: “I’ll rock your Gay godmother and her partner too”. Clearly BB thought that “Lets Get Rocked” by the Leps was too opaque.
So yeah, “The Very Best Of Bootyard Bandits”. What can you say? They might struggle to get any more out of it, but despite it challenging my entire belief system, and despite all my absolute totemic beliefs on many subjects crumbling to dust over it’s twenty minutes, you can’t help but fall for its charms.
Steel Panther are definitely still utter shit, though, right?
Rating 8/10
